Even If It Hurts.

I heard this today:

A son is a son until he takes a wife.
A daughter is a daughter all of your life.

It's A Wrap.

It has always been my opinion that a parent's responsibility is to raise their children, guiding them to grow into respectful and responsible adults.  It is not their responsibility to be their friend.  A parent can be friendly to their kids, share confidences and experiences like friends do - but to be their best friend is a different role.  A role that should be reserved for a peer.  The reason I feel this way is fairly simple - parents need to maintain an upper hand in a parent/child relationship.  Someone has to be in charge and that someone should be the parent.
Teach, guide, provide, love, inspire, share, tutor.  And so much more.


Very recently I have discovered that my theory on parenthood is not a life long one.  At some point, the role of a parent changes.  It simply becomes a title and nothing more.  When kids grow into responsible and respectable adults, your mission is complete.  I don't know why this self discovery took me so much by surprise.  But it has.  In a heartbreaking, sad sort of way.  


What happens next? 


Perhaps you will become friends.  Perhaps not.  
Perhaps they will still want your help and guidance.  Perhaps not.
Perhaps they will value your opinion.  Perhaps not.
Perhaps you will simply be another friend on their facebook page.  Perhaps not.
Perhaps they will want you to remain a fixture in their lives.  Perhaps not.
Perhaps they will call just to say hello and tell you about their day.  Perhaps not.


I love my kids very much.  I am proud of both of them.  They have both grown into strong, well respected, responsible and successful adults and parents.  I would like to credit at least part of that success on how they were raised.  I would like some of the recognition on how they got where they are.  I would like to think it is because I took my role as a parent very seriously.


But,


That stint is over.


Now, 


I am just a title.  


Mom.

Respect & Trust

A Work in Progress

Today, I have successfully emptied numerous tote bags, examined and cataloged 13 knitting projects that have been started and are in some state of incompleteness.  (Is that a word?)  


I put them all in my Journal software so that I can update my progress on them.  I included pattern, yarn and needle information on all of them.  I even added pictures of what they should look like when they are done.  When finished, I can add an actual picture of the finished item.  I intend to update my knitting blog with the projects as I finish them also.


I found 3 projects that I will likely rewind the yarn and discontinue the attempt.  The yarn will be returned to the stash for future projects. 
I know I have AT LEAST 10 more projects that I have started that need to be cataloged or discarded.  


I know some people would think the whole process was a waste of good knitting time, but I am feeling better about my WIP's.  Everything seems more manageable to me when I know what I am dealing with. 

I see it as good progress in attaining my goal of finishing all of the projects I have started now within 2012.  


A very lofty goal indeed.

Thanks For Listening

I waited patiently for the Lord;
     he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
     out of the mud and mire;
     He sat my feet on a rock
     and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
     a hymn of praise to our God.
     Many will see and fear
     and put their trust in the Lord.


          - Psalm 40: 1-3




I was looking through my yarn stash today and found a bag from Books a Million.  Not an unusual find - I buy way too many crafting magazines and tend to put them back in the bags after I have read them.  The thought being that someday, I will get them put away on my bookshelf.


This bag didn't have the usual knitting or scrapbooking magazine.  It held a book by one of my favorite Christian authors - Beth Moore.  The title of the book is 'Get Out of That Pit'.  I can tell by the placement of the bookmark that I didn't make it too far into the book.  Also in the bag is a devotional journal written by her entitled 'Looking Up:  Trusting God With Your Every Need'.  Never even started it.


I don't specifically recall making this purchase, but no doubt I did.  Probably during a period of time when I was feeling pretty down.  I don't know why it was put aside at that time.  


I am pretty sure why I found it tonight.

366 Things For Which I am Grateful

January 1, 2012 - Another chance to have a great year.
January 2, 2012 - Raisin toast with butter.
January 3, 2012 - Large Diet Cokes for .99 at McDonalds.
January 4, 2012 - Long shoelaces for my sneakers.
January 5, 2012 - Ed's Kurig and Sleepytime tea (iced).
January 6, 2012 - Facebook - for helping me keep in touch with my family and                 friends.
January 7, 2012 - Sleep number beds.  My number is 40.  I am even older than my sleep number.
January 8, 2012 - Tylenol.
January 9, 2012 - I Love This Cotton yarn from Hobby Lobby.
January 10, 2012 - Dr. P
January 11, 2012 - Sizzling Chicken n' Cheese and Fried Green Beans.
January 12, 2012 - Baby hugs from Addison.
January 13, 2012 - Snow days so I can get lots of stuff done!
January 14, 2012 - Marie and The Unique Knitters.
January 15, 2012 - Chocolate Chip Poptarts.
January 16, 2012 - The Grace of the Lord.
January 17, 2012 - Memories.
January 18, 2012 - Snuggles with Gidget.
January 19, 2012 - Ravelry.
January 20, 2012 - Fridays.
January 21, 2012 - Prayers visibly answered.
January 22, 2012 - The ability to feel emotion - even if it is anger.
January 23, 2012 - Four day weekends.
January 24, 2012 - My Honeybunch - who tries to understand my moods even when I don't.
January 25, 2012 - My yarn stash.  I could knit for a long time and not run out.
January 26, 2012 - My craft room.
January 27, 2012 - The pain I feel on this day.  It reminds me how much I love and miss my Dad.
January 28, 2012 - Blue skies.
January 29, 2012 - Dressers at Goodwill for less than $25.
January 30, 2012 - Mild Winters.
January 31, 2012 - My kids.
February 1, 2012 - My grandkids.
February 2, 2012 - The Mobile Groomer for Gidget and Osbert.
February 3, 2012 - That Libby is going to be okay.
February 4, 2012 - Unlimited text packages.
February 5, 2012 - 
February 6, 2012 - 
February 7, 2012 - 
February 8, 2012 - 

February 9, 2012 - 
February 10, 2012 - 
February 11, 2012 - 
February 12, 2012 - 

February 13, 2012 - 
February 14, 2012 - 
February 15, 2012 - 
February 16, 2012 - 
February 17, 2012 - 
February 18, 2012 - 
February 19, 2012 - 
February 20, 2012 - 
February 21, 2012 - 

February 22, 2012 - 
February 23, 2012 - Birthday Cake.
February 24, 2012 - 
February 25, 2012 - 
February 26, 2012 - 
February 27, 2012 - 
February 28, 2012 - 
February 29, 2012 - 
March 1, 2012 - 
March 2, 2012 - 

March 3, 2012 - Paxil.
March 4, 2012 - Ambien.
March 5, 2012 - Cymbalta.
March 6, 2012 - Clonazepam.
March 7, 2012 - Buspar.
March 8, 2012 - Good health insurance.
March 9, 2012 - Enlightenment.
March 10, 2012 - 
March 11, 2012 -  
March 12, 2012 -  
March 13, 2012 -  
March 14, 2012 -  
March 15, 2012 -  
March 16, 2012 -  

Changes, They Are A-Comin'.

Today I received this message on facebook (accompanied by a friend request):

Penny,
I know you have been very hurt. I apologize for all the wrong I have done you, I never meant to harm you in any way. All the things that I said about appreciating you and all you did is true. I never knew the tax situation was as bad as it was, I would have addressed it asap if I did. 
Please forgive me. I know you have had a hard time and I am sorry. I just want you to know that I am deeply sorry.


And this was my response:


Rolynn,
I am not sure what has prompted this sudden burst of sorry since you have repeatedly denied everything. So what are you apologizing for? 
I will assume that you are apologizing for badmouthing me to your employees and customers. Telling lies about me screwing you over and that you had to let me go? Perhaps it was for telling people that I caused you legal and financial problems? 
We know the truth though, don't we? You didn't tell those same people that I did everything in my power to help you out financially - even loaning you money so you could get yarn in your shop? And I wasn’t the first. Hopefully, I will be the last. Doubtful though.
YOU caused your own financial troubles. YOU can't control your spending. YOU don't have any business sense whatsoever. YOU didn’t want the stress of budgeting and paying your bills. So, I took that on for you. And when I tightened the screws and you couldn’t pay your personal bills out of the shop account anymore, you found someone new. Someone who wouldn’t tell it like it is. Someone who didn’t care if the account was overdrawn. Lucky you. How is that working out for you now?
You have NO idea how I have been hurt. Don’t even say you do. You don’t know how I feel. I am sure you did appreciate me – as long as I was helping you out. So you could hide from the bill collectors by blaming it on your “bookkeeper”. So you could explain your financial problems by pointing the finger at me.
If you didn’t know the tax situation was that bad, it was because you weren’t listening to me. I told you repeatedly that the taxes needed to be paid. And they would have been. If there had been money in the account. I don’t write bad checks. I don’t write checks and hope there is money in the account to cover them when they hit the bank. You see, I have a reputation that I chose to uphold. Most accounting and financial people value that reputation. I worked very hard for many years to acquire it. For you to slander my reputation to save yours is reprehensible. 
All of that being said, I will accept your apology. Assuming it is for what I have outlined above. But, it changes nothing. I will never be back in Enchanted. It has become a place where I would never be comfortable. With the changes you have planned, it is a place I would never shop anyway. Nothing on your new agenda interests me in the slightest. 
We will never be friends. I am not sure we ever were. I thought we were, but friends don’t treat friends like you have treated me. I cannot be friends with someone that I cannot trust. You treat everyone so nicely and then you talk about them behind their back. So many people warned me about you. People that you hurt before me told me that eventually it would be my turn. I defended you. I stuck up for you. 
For that, I get a reprimand from someone I have never spoken to. From someone who doesn’t know anything about me from ME. Someone who accuses me of causing you such hurt on top of legal and financial problems. Can you even imagine such embarrassment and humiliation? In your text, you said you never chose anyone over me. You most certainly did. You chose a person that customers had repeatedly complained to you about. Someone who allowed her 4 unruly kids to run rampant in a place of business. Barefoot and dirty. Screaming and fighting. As she wondered around – oblivious to the chaos. I stopped taking Addison to the store when I felt she interfered with the type of business I thought you were trying to build at Enchanted. A place of escape and relaxation. Looking back on it now – Addi was the best behaved child ever in that store.
I am glad that I have Marie and my friends at Unique Yarns. They will help me regain my love of knitting and yarn. Friendships built on love, trust, mutual respect and with no strings attached. 
Good luck on your new endeavor with Enchanted.


My response was honest and completely heartfelt.  I am preparing myself for a year of change in 2012.  I will take better control of my life, my health, and my feelings.  I want to take control of the anxiety, depression, fear, and panic that has consumed so much of me over the last 5 years.  It is going to be a difficult daily battle.  I won't be successful every day - but I will never be successful without trying.  I will always be snarky and sarcastic, but it won't be because I am hiding behind it.  It will be because that is me.  I will be cutting away the things that bring me down and get me off track of my goals.  I will surround myself with positive people who can have a good influence on my life.


Needless to say, the friend requested was declined.  Step one, perhaps?