Changes, They Are A-Comin'.

Today I received this message on facebook (accompanied by a friend request):

Penny,
I know you have been very hurt. I apologize for all the wrong I have done you, I never meant to harm you in any way. All the things that I said about appreciating you and all you did is true. I never knew the tax situation was as bad as it was, I would have addressed it asap if I did. 
Please forgive me. I know you have had a hard time and I am sorry. I just want you to know that I am deeply sorry.


And this was my response:


Rolynn,
I am not sure what has prompted this sudden burst of sorry since you have repeatedly denied everything. So what are you apologizing for? 
I will assume that you are apologizing for badmouthing me to your employees and customers. Telling lies about me screwing you over and that you had to let me go? Perhaps it was for telling people that I caused you legal and financial problems? 
We know the truth though, don't we? You didn't tell those same people that I did everything in my power to help you out financially - even loaning you money so you could get yarn in your shop? And I wasn’t the first. Hopefully, I will be the last. Doubtful though.
YOU caused your own financial troubles. YOU can't control your spending. YOU don't have any business sense whatsoever. YOU didn’t want the stress of budgeting and paying your bills. So, I took that on for you. And when I tightened the screws and you couldn’t pay your personal bills out of the shop account anymore, you found someone new. Someone who wouldn’t tell it like it is. Someone who didn’t care if the account was overdrawn. Lucky you. How is that working out for you now?
You have NO idea how I have been hurt. Don’t even say you do. You don’t know how I feel. I am sure you did appreciate me – as long as I was helping you out. So you could hide from the bill collectors by blaming it on your “bookkeeper”. So you could explain your financial problems by pointing the finger at me.
If you didn’t know the tax situation was that bad, it was because you weren’t listening to me. I told you repeatedly that the taxes needed to be paid. And they would have been. If there had been money in the account. I don’t write bad checks. I don’t write checks and hope there is money in the account to cover them when they hit the bank. You see, I have a reputation that I chose to uphold. Most accounting and financial people value that reputation. I worked very hard for many years to acquire it. For you to slander my reputation to save yours is reprehensible. 
All of that being said, I will accept your apology. Assuming it is for what I have outlined above. But, it changes nothing. I will never be back in Enchanted. It has become a place where I would never be comfortable. With the changes you have planned, it is a place I would never shop anyway. Nothing on your new agenda interests me in the slightest. 
We will never be friends. I am not sure we ever were. I thought we were, but friends don’t treat friends like you have treated me. I cannot be friends with someone that I cannot trust. You treat everyone so nicely and then you talk about them behind their back. So many people warned me about you. People that you hurt before me told me that eventually it would be my turn. I defended you. I stuck up for you. 
For that, I get a reprimand from someone I have never spoken to. From someone who doesn’t know anything about me from ME. Someone who accuses me of causing you such hurt on top of legal and financial problems. Can you even imagine such embarrassment and humiliation? In your text, you said you never chose anyone over me. You most certainly did. You chose a person that customers had repeatedly complained to you about. Someone who allowed her 4 unruly kids to run rampant in a place of business. Barefoot and dirty. Screaming and fighting. As she wondered around – oblivious to the chaos. I stopped taking Addison to the store when I felt she interfered with the type of business I thought you were trying to build at Enchanted. A place of escape and relaxation. Looking back on it now – Addi was the best behaved child ever in that store.
I am glad that I have Marie and my friends at Unique Yarns. They will help me regain my love of knitting and yarn. Friendships built on love, trust, mutual respect and with no strings attached. 
Good luck on your new endeavor with Enchanted.


My response was honest and completely heartfelt.  I am preparing myself for a year of change in 2012.  I will take better control of my life, my health, and my feelings.  I want to take control of the anxiety, depression, fear, and panic that has consumed so much of me over the last 5 years.  It is going to be a difficult daily battle.  I won't be successful every day - but I will never be successful without trying.  I will always be snarky and sarcastic, but it won't be because I am hiding behind it.  It will be because that is me.  I will be cutting away the things that bring me down and get me off track of my goals.  I will surround myself with positive people who can have a good influence on my life.


Needless to say, the friend requested was declined.  Step one, perhaps?

Rules for Being Friends With Me.

1.  Feel free to talk about me behind my back at any time and with any one of your choosing.  You can even talk about me when I am present.  The only caveat is that it must all be true and can be proven.  When you start to spread lies and rumors, our friendship is over.  Lies that are malicious and harmful to my reputation are special deal breakers.  Lies that are told to cover up your own inadequacies are just mean spirited and rude.  Accept your own shortcomings and don't pawn them off on someone else.  (That really should be rule #2, but I will leave it here.)
Perhaps when you are talking about me behind my back (or even to my face), you can mention some nice things I have done for you.  You know those things.  The ones that I did because I thought we were friends and wanted you to be successful.  Or just because.
When we are no longer friends, because you have broken Rule #1 - you can say whatever you want about me.  Lies included.  Because I believe that someday it all comes out in the wash.  People who choose to believe the lies will someday have their eyes opened to the truth.  I know, because it happened to me.

Lessons Learned

People warned me.  I ignored them.  I like to think that I look for the best in people.  I thought maybe they just had their own agendas.

My own family told me that she was taking advantage of me.  I just saw her as someone who needed a lot of help because she seriously lacked the business sense to run a business and be successful.  I thought I could be at least part of that help.

Lots of people told me the store would never be successful.  Instead, I saw lots of potential.  It would take a lot of self restraint, lots of hard work and the help of many.  

I knew in my heart we could never be best friends - she was too "different" from me.  Different beliefs.  Different life styles.  But, we did have a lot in common and I thought that was enough to make us good friends.  I was so uncomfortable when she would tell people that we were best friends.  

I knew in my head she was using me.  I ignored those signs for a long time.  I continued to work for free - lots of hours.  Giving up my time and my life to help her make the store a success.

I knew with every fiber of my being that she couldn't do it alone.  She couldn't manage her money, her time or her life.  She was out of control with her spending.  She asked for advice and she never listened to it.  She was going to do it her way.

I think that is her modus operandi.  She seeks out friends who will help her, then she uses them up - physically, emotionally and sometimes financially.  Then, she moves on.  Another wave of friends to expend.  Before I even know what happened - she had another group of friends who were taking the place I didn't even know I had vacated.  She started ignoring me when I was in the store - especially when her new friends were around.

I stopped feeling comfortable.  I stopped feeling welcome.  I stopped going to the store.

I don't know when she started badmouthing me.  It is definitely one of her favorite things to do.  Sweet as pie to your face and talking smack behind your back.  To and about everyone.  Several times I asked her what she was saying about me to others.  I knew she had to be.  She always denied it.  I knew better.  Too fake.

Then the rumors.  The lies.  That was the painful part.  I didn't care if she was telling others that I was a horrible knitter.  Or maybe that I didn't jump on customers when they walked in the door - her version of customer service.  I don't like it when people do it to me when I am shopping and I never felt comfortable doing it to others.  But to say I caused "legal and financial problems" for her was over the line.  Out and out lies. And hurtful.  I did everything in my power to help her to be successful.  I stressed conserving money to get caught up on the bills so she would be in great shape by January.  She truly lacked self control.  If there was money in the account, she had to spend it.  If there wasn't money in the account, she just overdrew it.  I was her excuse for lack of financial control.  She needed something to tell the next person in line.

Lots of promises and dreaming big.  It's not a bad thing - unless you have no intentions of keeping your promises and dreams are bigger than life.

I am finished with her and her store.  Or, I will be when she repays me what she owes me.  For now, I have lost interest in my knitting.  It is like a big ugly bruise that is painful when I touch it.  I am going to set it aside for a while and concentrate on other things.

It will take me a very long time to trust another person.  There is a lesson to be learned from this experience and I have learned it.  I will continue to look for the good in people - but I will certainly look harder.  I will believe half of what I hear and question the other half.

I wish her well.  Someday, I will forgive.  I will never forget.

 As found on www.dictionary.com:

Karma

 [kahr-muh]    Example Sentences Origin

kar·ma

   [kahr-muh]  Show IPA

noun

1.

Hinduism, Buddhism . action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation: in Hinduism one of the means of reaching Brahman. Compare bhakti ( def. 1 ) , jnana.

2.

Theosophy . the cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person's deeds in the previous incarnation.

3.

fate; destiny. Synonyms: predestination, predetermination, lot, kismet.

4.

the good or bad emanations felt to be generated by someone or something: Lets get out of here. This place has bad karma.

peace.

Rules for the Dogs

Paper

Today Addison and I made the trek to JoAnn's Crafts outside of Brentwood. There are closer JoAnn's, but this is the one I wanted to go to.  The weather was pretty blah - misty, grey & chilly - but the ride was uneventful. Addi napped and I ruminated.  It was the best of both worlds.


The purpose of the trip was to completely waste the afternoon.  In that respect, it was successful.  I was also in search of another advent calendar.  Jana mentioned that she liked mine and I was hoping I could pick one for her.  

Perhaps if we had gone to the store closer to home - the one where I found mine - I could have scored one.  But, we didn't.


I also knew that JoAnn's has their DCWV Paper Stacks on sale.  50% off my favorite brand of cardstock will entice me to drive over an hour to add to my collection.  I don't need paper.  Not at all.  Paper to me is like comfort food. Some people like grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup when they aren't feeling well.  Others like chicken and dumplings.  I like paper.  


When I am feeling down or blue or lonely or just plain bored, give me paper. Crisp, clean paper.  It doesn't even matter what kind.  Today it was cardstock. Sometimes it is a fresh new journal.  Nice lined paper.  Or even a 25 cent composition book from the school supply aisle.


Today, I got some of these great 6 1/2 by 4 1/2 stacks of card stock.  A printed stack with a matching solid color stack.  They will make some nice cards for all occasions.  

I didn't need them.  Not at all.  I just wanted them.  And, they were on sale.
Instant mood enhancer.